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Today was a pretty good day... It didn't start out that way, but things always have a way of turning around at least lately... I woke up with fluid built up in my legs, to the point of having the skin shiny and taunt... I went to the ER but the doctor who saw me, was one who remembered me for coming in to get pain pills while I was using cocaine... so he didn't even give me a prescription... Just a list of Internists in the area, and told me to follow up with them... Screw him. I will just keep taking my waterpills, and trying to stay off my feet... hopefully it will go down.

I get 200 dollars a month from the state, and that is always a trigger for me... Money in pocket... doesn't stay in my pocket for very long... I have to use it right away and buy drugs... but I am trying to change... and so far, so good... I got my father to agree to purchase things for me during the month - for my computer, or cd's, or books, whatever... and then he just keeps the 200 dollars when I get it... so today, I got new ram - now I have 1.2 gigabytes of ram... it is really fast... and yesterday I got a new soundcard... oh I also got a plastic stand with 5 drawers, and a place on top for pens, and stuff...

My next purchase will be next month... I want to get a thin screen, I know they must have a name but it isn't in my brain right now... I have a nice monitor, it's a 17 inch, but it is so big it takes up my whole table.

I have been downloading games, I love word mojo, but I cheat I use Foreword for the letters... but I am not playing against anyone but myself... so I can get away with cheating a bit.

I got really cool paper in 5 colors, red, orange, blue, yello, purple. I use Firefox as my browser it's alot better and faster then IE. If you want to write me or talk to me anytime - you can find me on yahoo under CTGal_1966, MSN is CTGal__1966 (two hyphens), AOL is soberswfct

I am looking forward to making some great friends here... Is There anybody from CT online?

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Alot of things have been happening lately, that have kind of tuned my mood toward the garbage pail... you'd think after beeing clean 8 months, getting out of jail, and being pretty regulated on my medication - I would be somewhat happier then this...

You Mean This IS AS GOOD AS IT GETS... God help me see a light at the end of this tunnel... I am separated... not by choice - he just up and left... well it didn't exactly happen that way, but that's what makes me feel better... the truth is well I am recovering addict now with 8 months clean, but then.. I used crack/cocaine everyday, all day & all night... and spent my husbands' paychecks before he got them... he used too... but nobody out of all the people we hung out with... had a habit like mine... it never ended.

My sister was no help, she used too... and 9 days after he left me - he called me at her house... he wanted to come home - but she didn't want to her party nite without her son to be fucked up... so she turned the phone off and nevere told me he tried to reach me... What Gave Her The Right To Play God!!!!

Michael is his name, he ended up a chick's house whom we both knew used drugs, and was easy... he called me from her house too... but even though Barb (my sister) answered the phone, she didn't tell me it was for me. That same night, he put a gun in his mouth and wanted to pull the trigger... but my friend (the chick that's easier bread & butter), got some alcohol so they could get drunk - while they thought I would show up... but i didn't know.... I am glad I didn't show up, because if I showed up when she was fucking my man - I would of killed her.

Only 9 fucking days... god my bed wasn't even cold yet. Well that was then, and this is now... Since that day, I have been arrested 3 times, gone to jail, got sober, gained weight, and haven't seen nor talked to Michael in 1-1/2 yrs... you think I would be other the SOB. But they say, some people never get over a broken heart... and I believe that I am one of them...

I love so fully, so completely, sn unconditional love that doesn't have to be returned... it would be nice... but it doesn't change the obvious that I will love him til i die.

What a way to let you know me... I guess I am tired of PMS (Putting Up With Mens Shit), and this just happens to be where I am venting tonite.

About Me: Major depression, adad, ptsd, agoraphobia w/acute panic attacks... no shopping for me, no fairs, no picnics, no beaches... I can go out like a normal person... I am terrified... I can't work due to physical disabilities that include rheumatoid arthris, sciatica, herniated discs, osteo-arthritis... I can't stand or walk very far or for very long. So it's good think I got a computer and can type as well as i do... without ever looking at the keyboard - because the computer is my friend... my confident.... my fun and learning experience.

Thanks to a car accident in 1999 in which i got oh boy 1000 dollars after they paid all my bills off... haven't worked since... can't. Can't get SSD either... they claim that my physical disabilities are caused by my drug use... rather then the way it really happened was I was in chronic pain, and was looking for anything, anyway to numb the pain even if it was just for a little while... Cause I really just wanted to die, but that asshole judge discredited both my neuralogist and his EMPLOYMENT COUNSELLOR - and turned me down flat... for the 3rd time... You can't file after 3 times... I even had a lawyer and everything.

Now I pray they will give me state welfare... right now, i get just 200 dollards a month which goes to my parents for rent, and 140 dollars in food-stamps - which I am allowed 30 dollars for things I like, the rest goes to the house for food.... technically my father can't force me to give him either the money or the food-stamps, but he is giving me a place to live, and drives me to my appts, he just bought me 150 dollars in new clothes for the fall & winter... so i really shouldn't complain about the living arrangements...

but not only are they both elderly, my mother is like me in chronic pain - it is sheer willl and determination that gets us off the chairs or the beds... but my father doesn't see it that way... he thinks we are exagerating... I am telling the truth... sometimes I can't even get out of the bed.

Plus my mom, she's the greatest when she is normal... but she is bi-polar and for some ungodly reason the 1st time since 1977 - she is having a mood swing... and it has been going on for 2 months already... none of the medication they give her works... I am living in a loony bin for sure... I am trying to get into a group home - to get the hell out of here... I am just about ready for an insane asylum - too bad the governor of Connecticut shut them all down... that's why my mom isn't better yet, she needs a mental health facility round the clock til her medication is right... but we don't have one of those anymore...

sure their are private ones... but who has 30 grand to blow on 2 week stay in a nut house... Certainly not me or my family.

I am gonna like this... having my own space to post whatever it is I feel like... and nobody to tell me no... or that is unappropriate... unappropriate for who?

This is my blah, blah blah blah spot. and nobody can stop me.

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I feel better today... I think the funk is gone, at least for a bit... I will take advantage of the good mood by meeting the new minister at The Faith Church in New Milford CT. Then I meet and get set up with a case manager on friday, and oops - wednesday i see my probation officer... I have 12 days clean. And right now, I have no desire to use, or even talk to anybody who uses, or parties...

The People I used to talk on the net to daily, we would get out our webcams and get high together... basically it was like being in the same room with them, except they weren't close enough to you - to steal your shit when you weren't looking...

a friend, a guy I care about, we have been talking online for over 1 year... he is getting married soon, but she knows about me and our conversations and said it doesn't bother her at all... but he promised he would treat me to a weekend of getting high, and being with him before he got married... and he has been IM'ing the old nickname like crazy... but I don't want to talk to him.

I love him, I am not in love with him - but he can absolutely without a doubt talk me into coming up where he lives, and smoking all weekend... and well I just don't want to do that anymore.

All expenses paid, and still I don't want to go... if we could lose the crack and just be with each other i would go in heartbeat... but he's an addict, if it isn't crack, it's pot, if it isn't pot, it's pills... crush them, snort them... drinking coors with it... I can't see him giving up the drugs for a date with me...

I made him promise that he would never let his gf/soon2be wife smoke crack.... he says he won't... but he is a sweet-talker and soon she will be addicted to crack... and then whatever marriage they thought they were gonna have, is gonna shit the bucket.

I know from past experience... and this is completely true... I would never give anyone who wasn't already an addict a hit. If I was hanging out somewhere, and teenagers showed up... i gathered my stuff together and got the fuck out of there...

I refuse to help anyone become addicted to a drug they will probably never stop using... and will probably die from.

I used to be giving... just like the last time I used... I got tired of the nickpicking of the other users, I am used to smoking alone... that I just gave me rocks away, and walked out the door.... haven't touched it since.

No I am better then that... Oh sure I am big, larger then life it seems, since I quit doing drugs basically back in January to now, I gained 60 lbs... that's the downfall to abstinence... I used to go 3-4 days with no sleep and no food... so it kept my weight down to a fairly normal level... now I am bigger then I have been before... I don't see a way out of it...

I am praying they take me on State Welfare, and then allow me to gastric bypass surgery... I am over 130 lbs overweight... I need all the help I can get.

Life you take the good with the bad... but like I said in previous posts, I truly believe that when the devil closes a door on you, God will prop one open so you see it, and come in from the rain.

As we wander aimlessly through life, we often have to make very strong and mindful decisions... in the past, I didn't make the decisions - I just followed the leader... Well I am a leader now, and if you want sobriety as badly as I do... get in line and together we will get free of drugs, disease, and stinkin' thinkin'... We don't need meetings, at least I don't... they just encouraged me to use, to see if I could get away with using and going to meetings... that's just dumb.

No I can do it... If I slip, I will get right back up... I will not give up if I should falter in my food steps... that's what usually happens when someone relapses...

They figure well I fucked up 8 months of clean time, so i may as well go with gusto on a binge to end all binges... days and days or weeks, or months - before they decide that abstinence and sobriety is truly the right answer.

I don't do that... when I fall... I get up, dust myself off... and go clean from that day forward... so i consider myself clean 8 months with 3 relapses of a day at a time. We are only as good as our word... and my words are pronounced in everyday life... Sobriety is the way to go.

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watching: The Sands Of Time Slip Through My Fingers
listening to: Live Like You Were Dying - Tim McGraw
mood: Devastated

I am a 39 yr old big beautiful women with blond hair, blue eyes and no man... I am still married to him, but he is gone... like the wind on fall day... just got up went to work one day and never came back. We were good together back in the day... Then we found a hobby that tears even the most wealthy, the most famous, the most real people apart... We Found a new lover her name is Cocaine.

Mike (that is my husband's name) he cheated on me with cocaine, I cheated on him with cocaine... our sexlife became non-existent. All we cared about was our lover, and how she never talked back, yelled, or slammed any doors... she was easy to get, and easier to use then real love... but we thought we had found the fountain of youth, the paradise of pleasure... we were soon too high to stop the insanity, but too human to let it go on...

We parted company on awful terms... I mean before cocaine we had a life, a good life.. one others wished they had had... we had a nice house, a great car, a cute kitty cat, good jobs, and a love for each other - that was so strong, we were bound to each other even before we got married...

We loved each other... We never went to bed mad. We never the house without kissing the other goodbye, we woke to a morning kiss, and a little love making in the early morning, while dew still sat upon the grass and the flowers... we had it all... and we were so confident, um safe and together that we didn't see what cocaine was doing to us... til it was much too late...

You probably think kissing all the time is silly, but we had our reasons... they were simple, but meaningful... we kissed before bed, when we woke, any anytime one of was going out, or coming back... the theory behind this... was if God Forbid Something Terrible Should Happen... Our Last Memory Of Each Other Is Bound In A Kiss...

Even when he left for good, he kissed me goodbye... Only I didn't know it was goodbye forever kiss... I thought it was going to work kiss... I was foolish, I was in shock... I couldn't; comprehend that fact he was gone... I wandered around aimlessly, listlessly for days... waking up, pulling the covers up to hide the world, so I could pretend he was still with me... I didn't want to be alone with just cocaine.

He called me on a Thursday, the following Thursday after he left on a Friday. He asked me if could come and get his stuff... I couldn't keep it, even though I wanted to... Of course, I said yes... He said, Will You Be There? Didn't know how much that would hurt, watching him gather his things to leave again... My mother told me to stay home, to deal with him... to talk, discuss or fix our problems... but cocaine she had another idea... we would go somewhere where no one knew we we and we would get fucked up... so fucked up that I didn't care they he was coming to the house... I didn't go home that night.

I came to find out, lately then next day when I got home... he left me a note - that said: had you been here, and chose me over cocaine - I would have stayed... I was coming home to you... I cried... I fucked everything up... It seemed whatever I touched, wilted away and died... including his love for me...

2 days later, I was with my sister... she was buying so I was flying... we were at her house, getting high - but I was the one going on the runs to get it... that meant that I had to drive into Danbury, where Mike was 3 times...

Who MADE MY SISTER GOD? She didn't tell me he called 5 times... looking for me... wanting me to come to him, to see him, to talk to him, to show him how much I loved him.. No... SHE TURNED THE RINGER OFF... But didn't tell me... I would been out of there like shot. BUT SHE KEPT ME IN THE DARK, SO I COULD RUN ALL NIGHT FOR HER...

Meanwhile, my husband was at Pams... Pam is an easy lover, always has been, always will be. He went to her house to get her to call me... my sister turned the phone off... he had a gun - he put it in his mouth and wanted to pull the trigger... Pam saved him... with her arms, and body and her sex. He wasn't gone 10 days, before she fucked him. Oh she said, he was overrought and I comforted him... I said, you knew where I am was... If my sister turned the phone off, you should have gotten you and him in your car and drove to where I was... but no - you took advantage of the situation and it hurt me so much... that for next 2 yrs not one day went buy that i didn't smoke crack.

I begged, borrowed, stole, connived, convinced, controlled other people and their money to fit my life and my troubled existence... so what I gave a little head, fucked a little bit... it didn't mean anything to me... I just wanted to get high and forever numb.

Oh he came around in the beginning... we made love a few times... never talked, or kissed, loved again... but smoked crack and fucked... then he'd leave and again I was alone with my cocaine... my life... my disease.

Got so bad, I ended in jail... Boy was I embarrassed... 39 yr old woman going to jail... hand cuffs and shackles.. bound my body, tortured my soul, destroyed my ability to see things through rose colored glasses...

no the drug induced haze went away, and there I was in jail, with no one to write me, to see me, to talk to me... no one love me... not even my cocaine. I got clean, sober... wrote alot of journal entries that had been on my computer til tonite when I had to start again... life sucks!!!

Even when you think you got it, you don't... even when you think you understand you don't ... I came home, clean and sober... and thought well he told me if I cleaned up my act, and got straight like he had done... maybe we could salvage something and start over... but when I got out... he wouldn't see me, or talk me, or yell me... NOTHING!

Do you realize how bad NOTHING feels, as apposed to being acknowledged even in anger. but no he didn't acknowledge my existence. My sobriety. None of it. And now, he moved to florida with another women, he told me last time I talked to him he didn't love her, but she got an inheritance and fuck it he didn't love me anymore... why not?

I have written a web site about addiction, that didn't hurt as much to write as this did... I thought I was over him... I thought I could live with out him... I learned to live without cocaine, it should have been easy to learn to live without him, but it's not.

I will never marry again, nor will I ever love anyone like I love him... Totally and completely unconditional love... in a way that allows me to love him from, afar, even though he is with another... my love doesn't hold conditions... I love deeply, honestly and completely. And I hope he is happy... because he deserves happiness... and if I caused him pain, then he is better off without me.

Everybody thinks I;ll go back to drugs... but the disillusionment & deceit that came with using cocaine... is gone. I hate the person who first got me to try it... I wasn't a kid, I was almost 30... I had been through the experimental stage of growing up and trying different drugs and drinks, but nothing grabbed me and said: hey this is for you. So I didn't imagine that trying cocaine would grab me... but I found out the hard way I didn't have a chance... it devoured me and my life... my dreams, desires, consciousness was all gone in an instant.

How could that be? I would rather die then use agin. I don't want to be a person who is not thinking clearly... seeing reality as it is... even though bad things happen sometimes to good people... but I need to see everything.... even if it hurts. Even if it confuses me.

I no longer hide behind the cocaine induced haze I did before... Sure I can I get it... easy... but I don't want it. I want a life... I want my life... I want it back... but we all know we can't go back... all we can do is move forward... and hope and pray that we are smarter this time around then we were before.... DAMNIT I better Be...

There's alot more... I didn't cover... but not now... not tonite... I have to summarize my thoughts, my feelings before I can go on... my life, the life i began when I used drugs sucks.

I am clean and it still sucks... Thank god you only have to live once... I can't even fathom having to go through this again... I don't believe I would be strong enough to withstand the pain, the pressure, the embarrassment... no I would take the cheaters way out.

Thank god I don't have to. Uncomf4tablyNumb... still even without drugs... my head is in a pillow case, or so it feels, like I am living underwater... slithering on the floor like a snake, hiding in anger and deceit... from myself. life sucks.

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These Are My Hard-Boiled Friends

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